Wednesday, August 22, 2012

How Do You Take Your Coffee - Leaded or Unleaded?

After reading this post, you might change your mind..

So I wanted to introduce you to a great friend of mine who has two sweet tweetin' thumbs and happens to be today's Featured Guest that I met about this time last year for the first time in real life.  We chatted online often, the whole reason I even got to meet her was all her fault - and really I thank her all the time for it.  It was her tweet that led me to my first ticket to any kind of bloggy anything so really I have her to blame for my convention junkie appearance you see standing before you today.  It's kind of our No such thing you say?  Did I not need to go there?  Well I did - it IS a thing right? That's right, everything goes good with a versary at the end, the same works for licious...try it, you'll see.

Anywho, I have met up with her a few times since over the last year, because we are close enough and she's totally tittylicious - hell we even saw Magic Mike together. She'll tell you I was on the edge of my seat but it was her clapping and laughing on the other side that kept me much more entertained.  Her name is Melanie Coffee, it's true - we were destined to meet and hang out IRL, I mean who else matches my personality so well only by stating her name?  Not only does she have a spectacular name, her writing has an unintentionally humorous way of making you look at things in an entirely different light. 

Take leaded coffee for example:

I have a confession. I tried to kill my elementary school teacher. Well, it wasn’t just me you know, it was the entire class.

I’m gonna be a bit vague to protect the identity of the juveniles involved, but let’s say it happened sometime between 3rd and 5th grade and the target was Mrs. X.

First off, Mrs. X wasn’t a bad teacher (even if she was, it’s not like anyone deserves the punishment we’d planned.) I think we didn’t like her because she was strict. So one day, someone comes up with the idea of getting rid of her.

At recess we talked through different possibilities, most of them inspired by TV shows. No one knew how to bleed brakes, or what that really meant. The school didn’t have any stairs, so she  couldn’t take a terrible fall. Then finally, someone had a brilliant idea. She could die by lead poisoning. There’d been a lot of lead poisoning information in the news lately and we figured she should be the latest victim.

We hatched a plan. We’d take the lead from the pencil sharpener and pour it into her coffee. In the mornings her cup was either in her hand or on the corner of her desk. The day before D-Day, we all took turns sharpening our pencils, we needed to pack the pencil sharpener with as much lead as possible.

I can still remember when it was my turn to head to the sharpener. I was nervous that Mrs. X was going to figure it out.

During recess that afternoon, another girl and me went back into the classroom and emptied the sharpener. We threw the wood shavings in the trash and kept the remaining lead on a sheet of paper.

We went back out to recess and handed off the “goods” to another classmate.
On the morning of D-Day, we were all nervous and excited that it was the last day we would have to deal with Mrs. X. While working in our workbooks, one of the kids asked Mrs. X for help. She got up from her desk, leaving her coffee cup unguarded.

Another accomplice slipped up to her desk and poured in the lead. All morning we watched her with bulging eyes as she sipped, sipped, sipped the fully leaded coffee.

The next day, we were stunned, then crestfallen when we walked into the classroom to find her sitting behind her desk. She’s alive? How did she survive the poisoning? The answer was clear, she must have been an evil witch and no one knew how to get rid of a witch.

Loving this Coffee Confession of another kind. Thanks Mel for stopping by and always making me laugh - please let's get together again real soon, I miss your face!

You can find my lovely friend Melanie on twitter @sheswrite 
and also on Facebook at She's Write.

Do YOU have a Coffee Confession of your own kind?  
I am gladly taking submissions!


Dana Howze said...

Thank you for the morning lol! Wrong kind of led. And eww how could she not taste it?!

Marianna Annadanna said...

Meet o versary. Lol

I like "I think we didn't like her because she was strict". You THINK. lol. Not even sure why you tried to attack her, eh? I love that.

Fadderly said...

LOL!!! classic!!! Kids!?!?!?