Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Vagina Power!!

My Featured Guest today really needs no introduction but if you aren't familiar with her, I will warn you.  You might laugh so hard you cry down your leg a little.  Sarcasm Goddess has been a friend for awhile now and she's really more about the bacon than she is sarcasm.  AND sausage - LOTS of sausage.  Once upon a time we had a band called Vagina Monologues, I'm not sure if I was on keyboards or vocals but it was fun while it lasted.  I felt it appropriate to title the post for that reason (among other vaginous reasons)  She is also responsible for the comeback of the adult onsies and legwarmers - the whole ensemble together - you will see it now that I've mentioned it and now you know who to give credit to for it...

How long have you been blogging?
Long enough to know better. I suppose you want a serious answer? Fine. I started blogging when yet another therapist said, “there is something deeply wrong with you that cannot be fixed.” But honestly, isn’t that how we all started blogging?
Hmm…I still didn’t answer the question. Could I interest you in some cookies?

What piece of advice can you give to unseasoned bloggers?
This blogging thing seems like fun and games. You see your friends do it and think, that looks easy, I can do that. But no one tells you about the long nights on cold streets panhandling for change. The corruption, the lies. The drugs! Oh the drugs. Prostitution, gambling, deranged unicorns. Blogging’s got it all. The first year will definitely be your hardest. If you can get through it, you can handle anything. But seriously though, it will not be easy. Handsome men with dark eyes and suspicious looking mustaches will try to lure you down dark alleys, promising a million followers and overnight fame. DO NOT BELIEVE THEM. And whatever you do, DO NOT accept the red candy everyone’s always handing out. They are NOT peanut M&M’s. Trust me on this.
My advice? Think long and hard about this bloggy business. Once you’re in, you can never get out. Well…you can, but it will cost you.

When is your favorite time of day and why?
Nighttime. Definitely. It’s much easier to stalk people when it’s dark out.

Where were you last Tuesday?
My lawyer advised me to never talk about last Tuesday. But honestly, what does he know? Last Tuesday I was…um…hmmm…it seems I don’t remember where I was. Wherever it was and whatever I was doing, I’m sure it was fabulous. There was probably bacon. And sausage. LOTS of sausage. And I probably wore super cute boots. I bet there was really good music and I killed it on the dance floor and everyone told me I had really pretty hair. Wow. Last Tuesday was so much fun.

Who or what brings you the most inspiration?
Without a doubt, the voices in my head. Some more than others. I won’t say which ones cuz they get really pissed when I play favorites.
When I’m working on my novel, then music, most definitely is what fuels me forward. I recently compiled a soundtrack of my WIP John and Darcy:
Someone to Watch Over Me Ella Fitzgerald
You are the Best Thing Ray LaMontagne
Crazy for this Girl Evan and Jaron
Crazy Girl Eli Young Band
Give Me Everything Ne Yo featuring Pitbull
Baby Got Back Sir Mix A Lot
You totally want to read it, don’t you?

What is your favorite movie?
While You Were Sleeping. Apollo 13. The Hangover! The Evening Star! SUPER TROOPERS! A Time to Kill! I am sooo stressed out right now. Has anyone seen my Ativan? Oh look, a spider.

Why should people read your blog?
Um, isn’t obvious by the answers to these questions?
Hey, did you guys know one time a lizard crawled up my pants and died? And one night, I caught my oven on fire and the next night I super glued my finger to my face? Also, I peed my pants sliding down a snow-covered mountain in Europe. At the bottom of that mountain? Was my entire senior glass. Because of me a tampon bird lives in a tree on an island somewhere, scaring unsuspecting hikers. And I once shot a diaphragm across the exam room at my gyno’s office as I was trying to extricate it from my vagina.
All these stories are found on my blog. I think the better question is, why shouldn’t you read it?

What blog post of yours is your favorite?
It’s truly hard to pic cuz they’re all such gems. Can’t I just say ALL OF THEM?
No? You’re really going to make me do it aren’t you? You’re going to make me choose my favorite child. Fine. But if the rest of my posts end up in therapy, you’re totally paying the bill.
One of my all-time favorite posts has to be The Husband’s “Other Woman” because for the first time ever, it makes me look like the sane one in our relationship. (

What is the most interesting place you’ve been?
Most recently? Jail.
Just kidding. It was totally the bathroom.
Okay, seriously. It’s impossible to pick just one place. I will never forget the concentration camp I visited in Germany. It made the horror that took place there real, not just something you read about in history books. The Swiss Alps literally took my breath away. The Colosseum…wow. Just, wow.

This or that?
Gloves or mittens? The other day I tried to put mittens on my feet. True story. I was all, “what the heck is wrong with these socks?” “Oh…they’re mittens.”
Air Guitar or Lip Sync? I lip synched my way through two years of high school choir.
Cape or Mask? You guys better know the answer to this!
Head or Tails? You’re asking me if I’d rather possess someone’s head or an animal’s tail? That is rather morbid, don’t you think? Is the tail still attached to the butt, or is it just a tail? You know what? I don’t want to know. I find this whole thing very disturbing.
Pie in the Face or Slip on a Banana Peel? Is the pie made of bacon? If yes, then definitely the pie.

You can find Sarcasm Goddess on the Twitter @SarcasmGoddess
She also has some killer boards on Pinterest that you might enjoy!
Thanks for the funnies SG - I laughed when I first read this and again when I posted it..I know everyone else will too!


Mayor Gia said...

YAAAY Sarcasm Goddess! WOOHOO!

angelshrout said...

Ok so apparently I have been more sheltered in my little part of the blogosphere then I realized. I think I saw her page on UBP for FB pages and I liked her yesterday. so Now I am going over to properly introduce myself.. ahem.

Les Botchar said...

so heart her!! SG delivers the continually laugh out loud funny awesomeness! her posts outta be sponsored by Poise or Depends.....and of course bacon too. Why doesn't want to sit around in adult diapers laughing and eating bacon?

now that's a cartoon drawing assignment if I ever heard one. perhaps the elephant? ;)

Sle4life said...

Totally funny! She is a laugh riot! She says what we are all thinking or at least what I am thinking...maybe she is me and I am her...wait where did I put my other personality?

MBC said...

funny, funny stuff.

Sarcasm Goddess said...

Oh Mah Gah! Who is that crazy, I mean totally awesome, person on your blog?

Oh wait, it's me!


Do I sound completely narcissistic if I say this was a super fun to read? It's just that I wrote it so long ago and had totally forgotten what I wrote. I couldn't be more proud of my mental instability. Seriously, this is one of my finer blogging moments. Thanks for having me, woman! Oh, and just so we're clear - YOU get all the credit for the thong onesie/legwarmer trend.

Sarcasm Goddess said...

An elephant wearing Depends? Sounds sexy!

Sarcasm Goddess said...

Hey, hey, hey! Nice to meet you!

Sarcasm Goddess said...

Yeeeeaaayyy!!! Fancy seeing you here. It's like a party for the cool kids!

Sarcasm Goddess said...

I just hate it when I misplace my other personality.

Sarcasm Goddess said...

Why thank you. Fee free to continue mass praise and adoration.

Sarcasm Goddess said...

Vaginas are hilarious. Except when they're assholes.

Sarcasm Goddess said...

I meant that figuratively, but the literal translation is also true.

the robot mommy said...

I love her. And we totally need to bring the band back together.

Rob R said...

Just want you to know that I nearly risked my life just know trying to read this as I'm walking against 4 lanes of traffic with my head fixated on my iPhone and my body slowly veering to the right.

Anyway I shall have to check out this Sarcasm Goddess. As the Sultan of Sarcasm myself I shall see how sarcastic you really are.

Actually very good post. Enjoyed it.

Jennifer Hall said...

Godammit, I'm trying to be mad at you and you go and write a funny and cute post like this! Whatever. :-P

Sarcasm Goddess said...

I hate it when I'm trying to be mad at myself and I just can't because of all the awesomeness.

CoffeeLovinMOm said...

Angel meet Sarcasm Goddess, SG meet Angel...I hope you two get along smoothly

CoffeeLovinMOm said...

It's a vagina party!! Glad you could make it!!

CoffeeLovinMOm said...

I think that's why her and I get along so well..

CoffeeLovinMom said...

they are pretty powerful you must admit!

CoffeeLovinMom said...

Not at all - I laughed the first time I read it when you sent it to me and then again when I was setting up the post and it was just as funny the second time around...I loved having you! I really think the onesie/legwarmer was you but we can get famous for it together and argue about it later okay?

CoffeeLovinMom said...

that would be perfect! exactly who doesn't?

JR Reed said...

I'll be straight and tell you that I was hooked simply with the title. Nicely done. I've already taken a moment to follow her on pinterest and on twitter. I smell a blog subscription coming soon.

Sarcasm Goddess said...

OMG, I smell it too! It's like we're psychic or related or something. Crazy.

Cunnystunts said...

Nice blog ... Vagina Power

Cunnystunts said...

thanks for this nice posting.