Wednesday, October 5, 2011

It's Not About You...

Let's just tell it like it is and not beat around the bush here...

You know, the Real Story..

I've been hem-hawing around about this blog post for awhile now and I've decided that it just needs to be out in the open.

Either she reads my blog or she doesn't and I guess I will find out which of those statements are true once I hit publish.

I have a deep, dark MIL.
STOP  ---  WAIT: This is my opinion and I wouldn't want you to think that because she's never been anything but nice.  Ask anyone that knows her, she's quite a nice lady and would anything for you if you need her - I will give her that - nice.

I will state just the facts from here on out and you can form your own opinion - nobody can get mad at me for just stating the facts right?

The current issue is with Grandparent's Day for my son at his school which is coming in two weeks.  Don't worry you aren't forgetting to send a card to your choice grandparents, this is something that our elementary school has put on every year and has never been a problem..

This is the first year that my FIL will be able to attend being that he and his wife just recently retired earlier this year.

Note that FIL has a new marriage and MIL is not happy with the new wife for reasons that are opinions and we are sticking to the facts.

MIL is insisting that he  demand  ask that the FIL not bring the new wife to Grandparent's Day.

Note also that the new wife has been the new wife for more than 15 years.  
I know they were married a few years before I came into the picture.

Let's rewind now to an earlier time about 10 and half years ago to when I got give you an idea of what's been going on:

At this point in the hate/hate relationship (which only ever comes from one of the people in the party) my future SIL was the only one with a child, and it was customary to have two separate birthday parties - one with MIL and the rest of the family and a separate one with FIL and wife.  The first one of these circuses I attended I let my future husband know this would not be happening if we had children.

I can remember attending my future BIL's wedding and seeing daggers come out of MIL eyes when her grandchild was sitting on the lap of the new wife.  Which at that time really wasn't even the new wife but I got that it may have still been fresh.

Then came the planning of our wedding - which she tried to help with every step being nothing but nice mind you and because I wanted to do it on my own without her help and guidance (keep in mind my OWN mother only went to one dress fitting) she was amazed it turned out as well as it did.  Seriously she told my mom that when it was over.  These are the facts people, my opinion will come again later.

If you didn't already know we had a shotgun wedding, our son was born 5 months later at 1AM and she tried to get into the room every single chance she got.  Thank goodness I had a good nurse that didn't let this just happen.  Keep in mind again my own mother wasn't even there for the delivery because aside from the fact that it was after midnight, I am a private person and I think unless you want someone else there, it should be between the two people that actually had something to do with the conception. Hell, my husband was even lucky he was there. Damn that wasn't a fact...that was a thought.

As a side note, I did have two separate baby showers because MIL worked at a place that she could get the clubhouse for free - my mom was willing to have it at her house also for free.  My mom's house was full of friends, my side of the family, the wife and her daughter...which is why the clubhouse was filled with MIL's friends and my SIL and felt like more of a show than anything else.  I'm sure I was completely unappreciative of it - I do not know if that was actually said so strike that last thought - it wasn't fact either.

Over the years this disdain from the MIL appears to have subsided little by little in that single birthday parties are attended by all and there aren't much for fist fights or even daggers from the eyes anymore 
but this was apparently a front all this time because  
AND here we are at Grandparent's Day.

A day for my son to proudly show ALL of his grandparents his school and put on a little show of a couple old crooner songs they've been practicing for entertainment.

MIL stated her opinion being that the wife is not a real grandparent only "blood" relatives like her and my parents and the FIL would be considered real grandparents - basically telling my husband to ask his father specifically not to bring his wife. So the disdain is back because apparently having the other woman there will make MIL uncomfortable...still....after what's gotta be going on 20 years.

But here's the thing, the wife has been known lovingly as grandma to my son since he was born - she came to the hospital to hold him and has been at birthday parties and as big a part of the kids lives as the MIL.  Most importantly, MY SON - who this day is about -  does consider her to be his grandma.  This should be the end of the story.

Also as a side note, all the grandkids call the MIL Nannie by her request - not grandma just so there is no confusion. (I will refrain from stating my opinion here..)  

Should someone be expected not to attend a public Grandparent's Day because of someone else's opinion or because someone will be uncomfortable?

Should my husband be responsible for relaying this information?
He keeps trying to put it back on her that if she has this problem she can take it up with them.

Shouldn't it be about the kid and not about the Nannie?

Thing about it is, FIL and grandma will back out before it becomes a big problem because they are used to having to do this over the years and I don't think it's fair.  I would like to tell her to suck it up or don't show up...give someone else a chance for a change.  Maybe I will call her tomorrow and tell her just that - okay now I'm not stating anything near facts because you people know I don't pick up the phone so who do I think I'm fooling?

She knows not to call me about it because I either won't pick up the phone or I will just tell it like it is and not beat around the bush here...

Thanks for listening!

*please keep in mind I don't know her whole side of the story other than her opinion of David's grandma (which was a choice word I would not like to share here because it's an opinion), why she has that opinion and lastly why I should share her opinion so I don't have ALL of the facts, just the ones that have been presented to me.


coffeelovinmom said...

Thanks Kathy! I seem to be alone in this fight and probably would still be doing double birthday parties if I hadn't have put the kabosh to that before my kids were born. Just when it feels like it might be over it starts at the beginning again.

MotherhoodTruth said...

GOOD FOR YOU FOR GETTING THIS OUT!!! This is one topic I have yet to blog about and am terrified to blog about. This is TOTALLY unfair to your son and I think someone needs to tell your MIL to grow up! My dad has always had a thing against my mom and so he chose to stay out, I wasn't making special arrangements for him. Maybe you guys should put her on and find her a man, then maybe she will calm down. :)

Daddys in Charge? said...

Why do we have MILs? They are nothing but problems. Seriously, send your FIL and his wife there and don't tell the MIL that he is going to be there. If she has a problem with it she can either lear the school or deal with it. Youve been dealing with too much of this nonsense in YOUR life, it should not enter the life of your kids. What a selfish bitch! THAT IS A FACT!

coffeelovinmom said...

Seriously there is nothing else going on in her life - I think if she had something this wouldn't consume her so much...I don't think she reads this or know it even exists so I'm safe for now...

coffeelovinmom said...

Thanks for giving me the facts John - I think I may have to be the one to draw this line since no one else wants to bother because it causes waves... I have no problem

danawentsnap said...

My in-law parents went through such a bitter, nasty divorce about a year after my husband and I met that they won't even exist in the same STATE in peace. I know for sure that if we had an event at the school that FIL wouldn't even show up cuz he's pretty much anti-kid anything.
While I hate family drama, I certainly understand there are people whose bitterness and grudges run far deeper than a child or a wedding. NOTHING you do will cause them to put their differences aside. All I truly hope for is to not be in those shoes in 20-30 years with my own grandchildren. I pray that I don't eff it up in this way.
Hang in there... maybe similar to custody agreements your MIL can take every other year at Grandparents day? Suggest alternating holidays and school events as a way around the discomfort.

coffeelovinmom said...

Suggesting anything seems to cause discomfort - I understand that things were bitter or whatever but that has nothing to do with the fact that my son considers this to be his grandmother. I also hope I don't eff things up like this and cause this kind of stress on my own kids. If anything I guess I'm learning how not to be a MIL..

Fred Brooke said...

There is a book in this. You can laugh at stuff like this (in life or in fiction) or you can cry. Turn it into the comic circus it is and laugh your way to immortality. Invite everybody to the party and watch the fireworks. I love your blogs. Now get started ...

coffeelovinmom said...

I could write a book on this I think..I am about to cause some waves without even trying..thanks Fred!

coffeelovinmom said...

Thing is she has no problem asking FIL to do anything and everyone just placates it to not cause waves - I just don't understand what could have been so awful that they would all allow this. This is a great idea though, playing the kid card. It's obvious she can't move on and misses that role in people's lives, just because she wants it to look that way doesn't mean it should. It will probably get worse before it gets better I have a feeling. I am the only one that says anything really - my husband tries his best but I see him flinch and cave, it is his mother after all...